Are you kidding? Get Married and Be Submissive a hit book in Europe
BY SARAH RAINEY, LONDON DAILY TELEGRAPH DECEMBER 23, 2013
Nicole Kidman stars as Joanna in the film The Stepford Wives in a file photo. A new book selling well in Italy and Spain is a traditional guide to being the perfect woman, guaranteed to bring out your inner Stepford Wife.
Photograph by: Handout , Paramount Pictures
Ladies, hold that letter to Santa: I have just the thing for your Christmas list. There’s a new book flying off the shelves faster than Fifty Shades of Grey. In fact, Fifty Shades couldn’t be further removed from this bestseller, which is a traditional guide to being the perfect woman, guaranteed to bring out your inner Stepford Wife.
Sadly, the book, Cásate y Sé Sumisa (Get Married and Be Submissive) isn’t available in English yet – but the original, in Italian, has sold nearly 100,000 copies, and the latest edition, released in Spain, is topping Amazon’s bestseller lists there. Written by Costanza Miriano, an Italian journalist and mother-of-four, and inspired by the Biblical teachings of St Paul, the book preaches a message of “loyal obedience, generosity and submission” on the part of newlywed wives, and offers nuggets of wisdom on how to please one’s husband.
As might be expected, readers are divided. Some have hailed it “revolutionary”, flooding book websites with glowing five-star reviews. “It reflects a sincere, optimistic vision of the marital relationship, which today is deemed truly daring,” gushes one reader. “Full of humour and common sense,” trills another.
In Spain, the Catholic Church has taken the controversial book under its wing – it was published by Francisco Javier Martinez, the Archbishop of Granada, who has labelled it “very interesting from a Christian point of view”.
Others are furious. Women’s groups have staged a public demonstration at which they tore up copies of the tome, and activists from the group Anonymous uploaded a video message calling it misogynistic and oppressive. “We’ve had enough of the Church seeing us as mere objects to satisfy men, reproduce and clean,” a campaigner declared. Politicians, too, have raised their hackles, with the Spanish health minister calling for the book to be withdrawn. “I think it is inappropriate and disrespectful to women,” said Ana Mato.
Having recently become engaged, I’m curious about what Miriano has to say. Any self-help book that claims to demystify the world of weddings and marriage – from A Modern Girl’s Guide to Getting Hitched to Marriage for Dummies – is already on my Christmas wishlist. How bad could this one be? So, in the name of research, I got my hands on a copy, to see if it contains any genuine tips for life as a newlywed – or whether it will put me off before I make it to the altar.
From the very first page, one thing is clear: my fiancé must never read this book. In fact, no man must ever read this book. It would make any marriage impossible. Miriano starts by telling us that “we are not equal to men and to not recognise this is a guaranteed source of suffering”.
Instead, “you must submit to him. When you have to choose between what he likes and what you like, choose in his favour.” Worse still, “when your husband tells you something, you should listen as if it were God speaking”.
Sending a century of feminism crashing down in a matter of sentences, she continues. “A husband can’t resist a woman who respects him, who acknowledges his authority, who devotes herself loyally to listening to him, to remaining at his side.” It’s more like a history lesson on the dark ages than a guide for modern brides – but Miriano makes out like it’s in our DNA. “A woman bears 'obedience’ written on her inside.” Does she? “The man, by contrast, carries the role of liberator and guide.”
Her rules on housekeeping are equally skewed. “If you’re not an experienced cook or the perfect housewife,” she writes, “what’s the problem if he says so? Tell him he’s right, that it’s true, that you will learn. Seeing your sweetness and your humility, your effort to become what he wants, he will also change himself.” One can only hope. Oh, and your job? Once married, you simply must quit. “Women forget that they can’t have it all: working like a man and being at home like a woman. Power is not designed for women.”
It is breathtaking. Miriano’s vision is one from the Fifties, of pinny-wearing wives waiting hand-and-foot on their hard-working husbands – indeed, the image on the cover of her book shows a bride bowing down to a groom perched on top of a wedding cake. “My response to any marital problem is to choose one of the following: he is right, marry him, have a child, obey him, have another child, forgive him, try to understand him,” she preaches.
I contact the author to see if she can explain herself. Miriano, 43, who has been married to Guido for 15 years, seems unaware of the furore surrounding her book. “When I got married I thought we would share everything – duty and responsibilities,” she explains. “Then I discovered my husband was on another planet. It was hard at the beginning, but I learnt to be happy through making sacrifices. I found that I had some strange ideas on matrimony and being with a man, so I wanted to share them.”
Some readers have claimed Miriano’s words are ironic, but she insists they’re heartfelt. The book, she explains, is a compilation of real letters she has written to female friends over the years, and though she is a devout Catholic, she hopes non-Christians will heed her advice, too. Critics, she says, “don’t understand that being submissive is not taking a step back but a step forward. I am completely at peace with myself so I can accept that some things I lose.”
Whatever Miriano’s experience of marriage, her opinions on obedience and submission surely can’t speak to more than a tiny fraction of the population. So why is a book promoting such outdated ideals doing so well in 2013?
Sam Owen, a relationships coach and psychologist, says the resurgence of traditional notions about marriage is due to the breakdown of society. “There are now so many single parents and broken homes, and married couples that are still together tend to be parents and grandparents. If people are hankering for an old-fashioned marriage, it’s often because so much of it worked so well.”
In Spain, particularly, where unemployment is the highest in Europe and poverty is rife, citizens are seeking refuge in tradition and religion. The Church remains a symbol of stability and wealth. But the idea of the submissive wife isn’t confined to Europe. Miriano’s words echo the teachings of The Surrendered Wife, a 2006 book by Laura Doyle, which has spawned a movement of followers across the US. The “Surrendered Wives” pledge to relinquish control of their husbands’ lives, respect their men and take the “feminine” approach to marriage.
“We are a lost society when it comes to relationship roles within marriage,” explains Owen. “Due to a rapidly changing world, the desire for women and men to be seen as equal, and the drive towards having everything – children, a successful career and a happy spouse – husbands and wives are feeling confused about what their role is within the marriage and family unit, and this creates discord.”
Adopting the Stepford Wife approach is seen, by some, as a viable solution – because it elects one role over another, rather than trying to combine the two.
Miriano and her legions of Spanish fans might not be alone in their beliefs – but I’m not convinced. To my future husband, don’t get your hopes up. One day, I will promise to love and to cherish, till death us do part. But if this book bears any relation to modern marriage, count me out.
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